These days of darkness which we’ve known will blow away with this new sun
It’s been a few months, and really there hasn’t been much in the way of a real update in many more. I ran that Uwharrie race in February. I ran most of it, 29 miles of it. And then I stopped. It was my first DNF. I didn’t write a race report. That wasn’t because I felt ashamed or embarrassed. I just didn’t feel like it. Around that time I gave up on DailyMile. Not because I didn’t want people to see I wasn’t running as much. I didn’t/don’t need to hide that. I just couldn’t take the positive/congratulatory/self-congratulatory nature of it. And if one more person wrote on one of my just every day training runs, “NICE PACE!” I was going to totally lose my shit. But I digress.
Winter sucks and I was listless and still in search of my mojo. Also, I was actually injured. Then I ran the Umstead marathon, the race I won last year. I did not win it this year. I ran almost a half hour slower and was 15th male, and I think 17th overall. Yuck. I hadn’t done any other races between then and now. I didn’t start the Umstead 100. I couldn’t even get myself out to the park. I was kind of disgusted with myself, with how out of shape and crappy I had gotten. It was pretty pathetic. There was probably a decent amount of self-pity, but with me it becomes more like self-loathing. Not a good look. So what is the point of this? Kinda dark so far, and depressing. But it gets better.
I got healthy. I started seeing John Stiner again which had/has a lot to do with that. I started working on weaknesses. I started running. And running more. And I started enjoying it more. I still am. In the past, I have often said that whenever my personal life seems to be going to shit, my running thrives. The running (along drinking) is a means to escape from the misery and general awfulness that is going on in all the other aspects of my life. Unfortunately, early on this year, the running was more the CAUSE than the solution. Being injured meant the running suffered and the horrible performances and painful runs just led to a downward spiral. Combine that with the lack of sunlight and frustrations elsewhere and it was not good. It seems that things have pulled themselves around in all aspects. Instead of running pulling me out of my funk, I pulled myself out and the running followed. In the past two or so months, things have really turned the corner. I signed a contract to be a full-fledged teacher at my school next year, which is totally awesome. I already mentioned, I started seeing Stiner again and doing some of the exercises he gave me to work on weaknesses and, no coincidence, I started feeling better and running stronger. I have an amazing girlfriend in Shuriah who is loving and supportive and helps push me to get out the door and be the best version of myself I can be. I have some good friends, I’m eating better, drinking less, losing weight blah blah blah.
I am no where close to where I need or want to be, in terms of my running, not by a long shot. I ran the Running of the Bulls 8k last weekend about half a minute slower than last year (29:35 vs 29:04) so I’m not a totally out of shape slob like I was in February. At least for now I am headed in the right direction. I don’t need a pep talk. I don’t need people to say I’ve been missed, or that they believe in me or anything encouraging and nice and rah rah. Not because I don’t care. I do. Not because I’m not an asshole. I try not to be. But I need to do things for myself. I don’t run for external validation. I used to, for sure. But I don’t anymore. It comes from within. It’s a personal quest now. I like connecting with other runners, I like the camaraderie at races. I like the atmosphere of ultras. But I need to run for me and because of me. I’ve come to realize that anything turns this into a hollow, joyless endeavor bound to end in failure and malaise.
I have a goal race for the fall — the Croatan 24 hour ultramarathon which is closeby in Kinston, NC November 9-10th. The next few months will be committed to starting that race in the absolute best shape I’ve EVER been in (which will be saying something). It will be a tough task but I am committed and determined and when I set my mind to something this intensely, I get it done. Some exciting things are on the horizon, finally looking forward to the journey again.
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